Wednesday, March 17, 2004
I Answer Your Questions
For my entry today, I have decided to go through my old emails in my “CuttheShit” account and to answer some of the questions that have been asked of me. I tend to be really lazy when it comes to email correspondence, so I thought that by posting my answers, I would at least be doing something half ass, rather than no ass.
When did you realize that you were gay?
I first knew that I was gay when I was in 8th grade. It suddenly occurred to me that when I thought about Arnold Schwarzenegger, my dick would spring to life. I remember specifically picturing a woman and having my dick go lifeless. Then picturing Arnie’s hulking body my dick would become rigid all over again. Now, to be honest, I didn’t think I was “Gay”. I thought that I was normal; just not normal enough to discuss my desires with anyone else. As time progressed, I just hoped and prayed that I would start to like girls like everyone else instead of the array of boys in the weight room. It didn’t happen that way and I finally came out the closet when I turned 21.
If you could be anything besides an actor, what would it be?
Honestly, there is NOTHING else I would want to be. Whether I make it big in my 20’s, 30’s or 70’s, I don’t think that I will ever pursue anything else as a career. The acting bug is ingrained in me and I don’t have much of a desire to be anything, but a performer. The biggest fear I have is that I will be 75 years old and still an administrative assistant. I refuse to take on a new career until I have made major leaps with this one.
Why are you still with Paul?
Paul and I have been together for over four years. Not a day goes by when I wonder if we are supposed to be together. This is conveyed in every post I do and in every conversation that I have with the closest people in my life. Paul is a wonderful person and has a lot to offer, but I’m unsure if what he has to offer is what I need. I find myself sad a lot with Paul because I know that if we break up, there is a very distinct possibility of me losing him entirely. I guess I keep hoping that by holding out, things will just get better. There is a lot more to this story, but not having Paul is my life is the biggest inhibitor to me making that change.
What is your favorite thing to do in New York City?
My most favorite thing to do in New York City has to be sitting outside at a restaurant with a glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I could take or leave the food, no matter what restaurant we are at. Chilling with a friend on a beautiful New York afternoon, sun shining, both of us laughing, smoke coming from our nostrils…it’s a beautiful thing really. I am muchly looking forward to Spring.
When I come visit, can I stay with you?
No.
If you could live anywhere else in the world, where would it be?
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be on the beach in California. I have been having a major gnawing at my insides to move out West. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of change yet, but it is definitely in the cards for my future. I love New York. Always will. But I prefer the warmth and I prefer cars to public transportation. Mostly I just want to be in a place that is a bit more relaxed that the bitter, fast paced lifestyle of New York City. I thrive on being busy and do my best work when stress is involved. However, I don’t enjoy the stress when it involves going to the corner food mart to get a soda. Everything here is a hassle. An addicting hassle, but a hassle nonetheless.
Are you angry at your brother for joining the army?
I wouldn’t say that I am angry WITH my brother, but I am definitely angry at the situation. While my posts don’t always reflect my respect for the US ARMY, I definitely have it instilled in me. My father served in the ARMY Reserves for over 25 years and he always taught his children about the importance of the military. Some days it gets a little too hard for me. Hence my post yesterday. But most times I am overly proud and in awe of what people like my brother do on a daily basis. The selfish side of me wants my brother back for me. He and I are incredibly close and not having him near me over the last couple of years has definitely taken its toll on my heart. I just want him back. We can discuss the ARMY and his role in it after that.
Are you going to close down your journal?
Not just yet! I will give ample notice, I promise.
OK! That’s it for today. I hope I didn’t offend anyone by answering these questions in a public format, but I kept everyone anonymous so that it was something we could all share equally. I appreciate the email feedback I get and hope that everyone understands that I am truly horrible with correspondence of any kind. Ask any of my friends who live out of town (please don’t bother my friends).
Have a great day ya’ll!
Much much love and respect.
For my entry today, I have decided to go through my old emails in my “CuttheShit” account and to answer some of the questions that have been asked of me. I tend to be really lazy when it comes to email correspondence, so I thought that by posting my answers, I would at least be doing something half ass, rather than no ass.
When did you realize that you were gay?
I first knew that I was gay when I was in 8th grade. It suddenly occurred to me that when I thought about Arnold Schwarzenegger, my dick would spring to life. I remember specifically picturing a woman and having my dick go lifeless. Then picturing Arnie’s hulking body my dick would become rigid all over again. Now, to be honest, I didn’t think I was “Gay”. I thought that I was normal; just not normal enough to discuss my desires with anyone else. As time progressed, I just hoped and prayed that I would start to like girls like everyone else instead of the array of boys in the weight room. It didn’t happen that way and I finally came out the closet when I turned 21.
If you could be anything besides an actor, what would it be?
Honestly, there is NOTHING else I would want to be. Whether I make it big in my 20’s, 30’s or 70’s, I don’t think that I will ever pursue anything else as a career. The acting bug is ingrained in me and I don’t have much of a desire to be anything, but a performer. The biggest fear I have is that I will be 75 years old and still an administrative assistant. I refuse to take on a new career until I have made major leaps with this one.
Why are you still with Paul?
Paul and I have been together for over four years. Not a day goes by when I wonder if we are supposed to be together. This is conveyed in every post I do and in every conversation that I have with the closest people in my life. Paul is a wonderful person and has a lot to offer, but I’m unsure if what he has to offer is what I need. I find myself sad a lot with Paul because I know that if we break up, there is a very distinct possibility of me losing him entirely. I guess I keep hoping that by holding out, things will just get better. There is a lot more to this story, but not having Paul is my life is the biggest inhibitor to me making that change.
What is your favorite thing to do in New York City?
My most favorite thing to do in New York City has to be sitting outside at a restaurant with a glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I could take or leave the food, no matter what restaurant we are at. Chilling with a friend on a beautiful New York afternoon, sun shining, both of us laughing, smoke coming from our nostrils…it’s a beautiful thing really. I am muchly looking forward to Spring.
When I come visit, can I stay with you?
No.
If you could live anywhere else in the world, where would it be?
If I could live anywhere in the world, it would be on the beach in California. I have been having a major gnawing at my insides to move out West. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of change yet, but it is definitely in the cards for my future. I love New York. Always will. But I prefer the warmth and I prefer cars to public transportation. Mostly I just want to be in a place that is a bit more relaxed that the bitter, fast paced lifestyle of New York City. I thrive on being busy and do my best work when stress is involved. However, I don’t enjoy the stress when it involves going to the corner food mart to get a soda. Everything here is a hassle. An addicting hassle, but a hassle nonetheless.
Are you angry at your brother for joining the army?
I wouldn’t say that I am angry WITH my brother, but I am definitely angry at the situation. While my posts don’t always reflect my respect for the US ARMY, I definitely have it instilled in me. My father served in the ARMY Reserves for over 25 years and he always taught his children about the importance of the military. Some days it gets a little too hard for me. Hence my post yesterday. But most times I am overly proud and in awe of what people like my brother do on a daily basis. The selfish side of me wants my brother back for me. He and I are incredibly close and not having him near me over the last couple of years has definitely taken its toll on my heart. I just want him back. We can discuss the ARMY and his role in it after that.
Are you going to close down your journal?
Not just yet! I will give ample notice, I promise.
OK! That’s it for today. I hope I didn’t offend anyone by answering these questions in a public format, but I kept everyone anonymous so that it was something we could all share equally. I appreciate the email feedback I get and hope that everyone understands that I am truly horrible with correspondence of any kind. Ask any of my friends who live out of town (please don’t bother my friends).
Have a great day ya’ll!
Much much love and respect.
